My Lips Are Sealed For Her,

reading

I took a break from reading for a while because I wanted to concentrate on the book I was reading for English class, Ceremony by Leslie Marmon Silko, even though I didn’t even read the book. Anyways. I’m trying to read again but for some reason it isn’t the same. I have to get back to it and I will! This always happens. It just needs some getting used to.

I want to wash the sunshine off my burning face and arms. I want to remember this day and just go to sleep. I want my voice to come back because I’m getting sick and tired of losing it seasonally. I want to be able to taste my food to sing to “What Makes You Beautiful”. I want to rest my eyes and feel clean and get a good night’s rest. I want to be done with the things I have to do. I’m so tired and I never get any sleep, no breaks, I want to be done.

I’m not okay. I’m scared and I’m tired and I don’t really care that everybody feels this way because I know they do and I don’t even feel like I have it any worse so stop telling me what I already know: We’re all tired and we’re all stressed out and we all have things we need to do and I didn’t say that everybody didn’t but me. But I can’t get out of bed in the morning and do what I need to do. I can’t go through the day without wasting my time and procrastinating. I can’t look at all the material I need to know and memorize it in my head because I don’t even know where to start. I need to start everywhere but end up going nowhere at all because I’m just so scared. I don’t want to scare myself anymore. I hate writing the date in the upper right hand corner because time is moving too quickly. We wish all the time for the end but we never really want to go through the middle, but we have to and I don’t want to. I don’t want to because I am unhappy. I can be in the middle of the ocean and dreaming away and still wake up and come back ashore and feel it all crashing on me. There’s no way to escape it. There isn’t dinner with my friends, days out with my families, pictures of people; nothing to escape it. So I sit on my butt and sulk rather than doing anything else but that.

I’m a loser.

I haven’t been there for you. I know I haven’t. But I don’t know how to be there for you anymore. You know more than anybody that I put in as much effort as I see being put in and if not then more. But with you… I don’t see any effort at all. I don’t see effort in anything you do. You do for one second and the next it vanishes. Do you know what happens when you don’t try? Nothing happens. You lose. Not trying doesn’t mean less disappointment or less pain. It means more disappointment and more pain in yourself than anything else. Not trying leads to hating yourself. And I’m not even sure if you’re down that path but really I would like to see you try at something. You don’t even try keeping up your relationship with me when all I do is try for you. You know more than anybody that I am always everyday taken for granted. Why are you taking me for granted now?

The day you wish and want so badly to come finally comes and you feel different. You feel better as if everything can never be bad again. You go to sleep and you go through the day still happy and on an all time high. You go to sleep. And then you have three tests that day and you’re stuffed with homework and you’re tired of school but you still have two weeks before you get a break and your family doesn’t help and your friends do but only when they’re sitting next to you and everything hurts all over again. I guess what I’m trying to say is that when that day comes, it’s great. But it’s only just a day and there’s many more after that. And that sucks because I really, really felt different, but I wasn’t.

this week

I am so unbelievably grateful for this week. So grateful. I came in stressed; thinking this week would be so hard. But it wasn’t. I barely got any homework at all and even though I had tests every single day, it wasn’t so bad. I just enjoyed it. Everything right now is just so perfect.

Week of 3/18-3/24 of Junior Year:

• Shirts for our custom-made The Hunger Games shirt - $8
• iron-ons - free (I think)
• F.A.N.T.A.S.T.I.C.S. for shirt and ticket - $10
• The Hunger Games movie ticket - $9.50
• Grapes of Wrath for history - $16.99

Good thing I don’t have AP testing/college apps to pay for. Like goodness.

Next week: Tickets for my school’s play, ANNIE.

I’m being insecure, which doesn’t happen often

And it’s like, girls like them are so beautiful. They always look perfect. They look perfect in sweats, in dresses, in jeans, anything. Their hair is always different. They curl it, braid it, put it in buns, and their hair is just always ridiculously perfect. They’re make-up is always so pretty. They know how to put it on and they always put it on. And I can’t help but want to look like them. Not like change my face to look like theirs. But I want my hair to be able to look like theirs and I want to put make-up on like them. And I just want to be pretty like they are.

tyler

I’ve been wanting to tell you that I’ve been feeling ugly as hell for the longest time and I don’t know how to fix it. Every single day I feel so uncomfortable because of how hideous I feel. I look in the mirror and I take a webcam picture of myself and yes, I feel and look pretty, but when I’m not looking at myself, I just feel so self-conscious and nervous and uncomfortable. In the morning, my face looks smooth and perfect. I put moisturizer on and suddenly all the ugly things I have on my face appear. I want to drown my face in make-up so nobody can see what I really look like. But I don’t because I don’t like wearing make-up and I was told I look prettier without it. But I feel like I need it and I suck at putting it on and I know you like girls without make-up. But you haven’t seen me in make-up, have you? I am beautiful. So very beautiful. So there’s that. My hair never looks good. I straighten it, I mess it up anyways. I put on a rubber headband and it’s ugly. So I leave it down but I hate it I hate it I hate. I want to put it in a ponytail but then it looks weird with my huge clothes and I just feel ugly that way, too. And the way I dress. I love the way I dress, but I’m beginning to feel ugly in my clothes, too. When will I dress pretty? But that’s how I dress and I’m too in love with my clothes, but I just want to feel freakin’ pretty in my clothes. My legs just look too fat and short and there’s nothing I can do with that, now is there? I wear a tank-top to school and I have to suck in. I have a lovely waist, I know I do and they compliment my hips and I have a gorgeous figure, but I still have to suck in. Even when I’m not as skinny as I used to be, I’m still skinny and less than a hundred pounds. But I’m still sucking that crap in. Why am I sucking in? Why am I being so insecure, Tyler? I am pretty, I know I am and I love my body. But I just can’t help but wanting to cover everything up and feeling uncomfortable with everything I do. You think I’m pretty, don’t you? Don’t answer that.