Today it is June, but sometimes I lose track of the months, this year especially. What are months without rain? And even more so, what are months without you? What is May when you have not blossomed to me? What is May when the end of a school year is more torture than exciting? What is May when all I feel like doing is giving up? There are no months anymore, time has taken them all up. Now it’s about just getting through the day. I don’t know what month it is anymore; I don’t even want to look. My calender still on April 11 because what is the point? The days are over, but it never ends. The month is no longer relevant.
I work best alone and my company being silence and clocks ticking. With somebody in the next room or perhaps just somebody breathing next to me. I’m very boring and rather quiet and prefer to stay indoors over outdoors any time. When I go out, I just like to walk around hearts of cities or along bodies of water and take pictures without trying to look like anything. I’m so boring sometimes I’m worried no boy will ever love me.
I love them because how could you not love the things that kept you there? Kept you standing, trying, and believing? There are that to me. They make me love the thing I don’t by just being beside me. They keep me there. If I were a roof, they were the wall. If I were a wave, they were the wind. If I were earth, they were gravity. And I love them. I love them so much. How can I not? Saying goodbye would hurt nobody but me because I’m loving them while they’re putting up with me.
I live in one of the most diverse places in the world and I take it for granted. I’m in love with all the different kinds of people. I love listening to them speak, how they talk to each other, how they solve problems—I’m so captivated by how different people act.
This week I’ve been surrounded by these group of kids and I can’t say I don’t like them because I like them so much. They’re not the smartest kids and they don’t speak intelligently, but the more I’m around them, the more I believe in them. The more they grow on me. And I want them so badly just to be successful because I can see that in them.
One of the things I like about myself is that I just don’t judge people. I keep an open mind and that changes me so much. I’m in love with people, more than I dislike them. Really observing people and giving them chances just makes me a better person.
I wrote this around 11 something
I don’t know how my heart beats and which way it goes. I change my mind after every activity I do. Lectures, working on my future, break time, studying, driving, and showering. My mind it flips and flops. I just want to stick to one thing, but that thing can never be what I love, what I enjoy, what I want. I need to challenge myself, but I want to be happy. I want to enjoy it. How hard is it to let the thing you love ruin your day? Long hours, looking to stupid, saying quiet. Bullshitting my way through. I can do it, I can. I know I can. So why is my mind telling me to quit?
San Francisco gives me this feeling I can only believe it’s what being in love feels like. I’m in love with San Francisco. Being there gives me this indescribable feeling—like some place somewhere everything is beautiful and perfect and even though there are flaws, it is still perfect for me. And even though it’s cold and windy, my heart is warm and my mind is at peace. San Francisco is everything I could ever want.
But something is pulling me to stay in my hometown and I know what it is. San Jose is my life, my whole life. Every second and minute of it all. I could be in New York City and still be in San Jose because that is where my heart is, my mind, my life. But in New York City, everything is perfect because I don’t see anything. I don’t see the ugly of it all. All of the ugly is in San Jose. The high school that made me feel lonely, my best friend’s old house, the one who took me out of her life like a rose in a field full of weeds, the house I’ve spent my sad childhood in—it’s all there in my home city. It’s here. In New York City, what do I get? I get strangers in different clothing, I get skyscrapers that blow my mind, I get food that give me a culinary orgasm. How can I ever ruin it by living there? How can I ruin it by starting a life and letting people in my life and having them destroy me?
I’m in love San Francisco, but how can I take away my love for the city by living there? How can I wake up there every single morning and not get used to its beauty and eventually have it fall away? How can I allow myself to ever hate it one day?
There was this place on the pier. You’re on story number 2 and you’re overlooking the ocean and boats. The winds came so violently and when I closed my eyes, it felt like the end of the world. The winds hitting my face is a feeling I love, a feeling I live for, a feeling that makes me feel alive. The winds will take me away.
my day in The City
I went to San Francisco with my family. I woke up this morning to “Runaway” by Kanye West and was wondering why in the world my sister would play music this loudly at this time of this day. Figures, I only had thirty minutes before we left. I love driving to San Francisco. It makes me super excited because I love the city so much. I’m extremely grateful that I live in the Bay Area. So walked to Pier 39 and had lunch. I had a burger. We went on a sailboat ride and it was the highlight of our day! The sailboat was super tiny but it was absolutely perfect. We were riding with the waves and I was getting a little wet. The host of the boat was hilarious and dry and the people on the boat especially my family were soo loud! It was wonderful. We walked the pier and I got a Buster Posey shirt and I’m very much excited about it! I also caught Belt’s triple on the TV! I hella love Belt. We walked to the Ghirardelli building and this was this super cute shop and it was so me and perfect. We walked to the Ferry Building and got some snacks.
Today was perfection.
Pictures of you and I can hear your voice. You’re seventeen now and I loved you when you were eleven. I remember all of it. Your voice completely hidden now after you went through puberty. The voice I’ll never hear again only in my memories. Not even a hint of it in your voice now. Your laugh that made it so impossible not to laugh once you’ve heard it. A laugh that can cure all types of sadness in the world and make everything happy even if it was only for a second. I miss you so much.
