I literally feel like weight has been lifted off my shoulders. My heart is beating faster, my smile will not leave my face, and my mind is as peace with my heart and it is April 1, yes, but I’m not fooling myself. Not anymore. This is me moving on. This is me knowing my time is coming. My time is coming and I better get ready.
When you see a girl and wonder why you ever felt inferior, intimidated, and insecure to, by, and because of her.
for reasons I will never know and no longer care about
all that matters is that it is over and I am done.
Done.
Saturday mornings have been the same for three years. I wake up and I think about time. I think about how slowly and how quickly it’s moving. I think about how quick I am to plan my future, yet I’m leaving all my past behind. I think about how in one year I’m never going to be in high school again. I will never see my lifetime of crushes, my broken dreams, those that made me sing, those who made me stronger, and those who I tried so hard to impress again. And I will miss them, I’m sure. I will never be a small student in a small campus again. I’ll never go to my classes, I’ll never say hi to my friends as I do so, and I’ll never spend breaks and lunches there again. I’m going to be responsible and I’m going to be around people just as mature as I am. And then I think about you. I’m never going to see you again. All those things that I needed to tell you and all those things I’ve ever wanted to do with you are going to be left in the walls at our high school and we’ll never revisit them. They’ll be locked in the gym, or at the bottom of our school’s swimming pool—they’ll be too deep to ever find. I’d be ready to leave in an instant with nothing behind if it weren’t for you. I want you here all the time.
I miss you. I miss your innocence and I miss your voice. I miss your insecurities and I miss your shyness. I miss your eyes looking into mine and I miss how it felt to have your body against mine. I miss it—you, us, everything. But I told myself this once and I’ve held onto it ever since: that was a long time ago and who you were then is completely different than who you are now. And I can’t miss you anymore because it’s pointless. You and I will never cross paths again and I won’t allow it. You’re gone.
Once I got rid of my sadness and stopped making my personal issues number one, I learned how to try harder in school and have more self-motivation. I learned how to focus on things beside myself. Once I got rid of all of my negative thoughts of myself, I learned how to love others and learned how to love myself first. I learned how to respect myself and I learned that anybody who doesn’t respect me has no room in my life. I just learned that life is so much better when you forget about your problems and yourself and just learn to love.
And just like the rain falling down after months of absence, I am, too, renewed. I’m washing away everything that was and drowning it so it can be something entirely new. Hopefully, something beautiful. It’s time I’ve accepted that rain is a good thing. It just means something new is going to arrive very soon. And just like California, I was in a drought. I was in need of the water for everything just became too dry. Too in need of the rain to refill everything it’s lost. But here it is and here I am. We’re ready.
I feel free. I’m free of the last thing that tied me down. My days are now going to be spent up in the air, now looking down at all the things that made me me and I’ll know that everything is supposed to be. No more letting my past keep me down and keeping me from being who I want and am supposed to be.
I’m ready to start the best days of my life.
I hope you don’t leave and then come back and expect me to the be the same. I am forever changing and for every minute you do not spend with me, it is your loss that you are not on this journey with me.
to somebody I used to know,
I used to fight for you. I never wanted to lose you. I would text you, try to talk to you, and try to hang out with you because I loved you. You were my best friend. My best friend since 5th grade and I loved you. I wanted you to be my best friend forever. You saw my ugly, my pretty, my happiness, my depression, my tears, my yells, my curses, my love, my hate, my best, and my worst. You have more pieces of me than anyone else. I grew up with you by my side. You saw me love when I didn’t know how to love. You saw me care before I learned how not to care. You saw me cry when I was beginning to learn what an awful place this world is. You saw me try to let go when I didn’t know how to. You saw me like and love and care for the only three boys I’ve liked and you know all of the stories. You don’t know who I am anymore, but you know why I am the way I am and that’s why I’ve held onto you dearly. But I don’t feel that way anymore. I don’t want you in my life anymore. You don’t know me anymore and I don’t know you. You don’t even care and I shouldn’t either. You wanted me out of your life and there’s where you are: out. You taught me that best friends aren’t forever.
